World cup rules for (female) signicant others

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to
wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all
women in general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World
Cup in June/July this year... FAILURE TO ADHERE TO THE RULES STIPULATED
AS PER BELOW WILL RESULT IN SEVERE REPERCUSSIONS.

List Of Rules.

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you
should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware
of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be
able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you
will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT
complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all
times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote
control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by
in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it
crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to
stand without clothes in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on
right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you
to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I
require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your
mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the
telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second
floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six
packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble
on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come
over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV
between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed
during the day. This rule however is discretionary. (please refer to
rule 2)

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one
of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or
"don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will
only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never
ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of
encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce (not necessarily
in that order).

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you
can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on,
and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note
I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy
excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care
if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again.
Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any
other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance
because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11.
The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of
this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank
God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words,
because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish
League, Premier League, etc etc.

[props to Yaty]

Now you can't say you haven't been warned.   Currently looking for people to spend the month at lucky bar... inquire within.